I had a shitty fucking 2018 (most of it, anyway). Sorry Mom for the language, but I’m sure you understand and would probably say the same thing. It was just a year of suck. First, I had a cancer scare. Then I lost my job. Then out of fear I went back to my old job. That didn’t work out well so I left my old/new job thinking I had another job waiting. I did, until they decided to not approve the position at the last minute (part one of Masonite screwing over Kelly). That’s really when things turned to shit and as I’m sure many of you know, times like these can take a toll on relationships, so it’s not like Rich and I were in a great place. We were too stressed. Its truly a long story and I won’t bore you with all of the details, but I will say this: don’t ever work for Masonite- at least their marketing department. One chick there- damn she’s evil. Moving on. Because I have, really…
I think of myself as quite smart (even with the newly blonde hair). I’m pretty good at what I do. I have a winning personality (right?). Also, I’m relatively attractive and admit it or not, it does help get you in the door. Usually. You would think these attributes would land me a great job, or any job, maybe an interview? But guess what? They don’t. I even know people in the tech industry and have tons of connections, but that still didn’t help. It’s not like I didn’t get jobs actually. I got a few, but they did not work out for one reason or another (ahem, an evil witch in marketing at… please, she’s not gonna read this, but if she does… 🖕). I remember someone saying to me recently “well I wouldn’t worry about employment. Anyone would hire you”. THAT’S NOT TRUE YOU JERK AND THANK YOU FOR CREATING THE OVER CONFIDENT MONSTER THAT I AM!
I was not given offers for a few jobs I really wanted, and I got great consulting jobs that didn’t turn into full time due to budget constraints. I was even flown to another state for an interview for what I thought was a dream job and I didn’t get it! Looking back, I know why. I wasn’t myself. I was the shell of the person I really am, and my awesome self that usually lands jobs didn’t come through. I’m in a space in my career where I either have too much experience or not enough, and usually my personality gets me through the jobs where I don’t have “enough”, whatever that is. I just didn’t have any personality to show them.
I still don’t have a job, but I’ve figured out ways to make cash online with Poshmark and eBay, and I’ve been doing quite well. It’s my own business! I started feeling better about myself, thanks to some crazy pills prescribed by my psychiatrist and some incredible support from friends, family, and OCR teammates. This led me to have a killer interview last week so hopefully I’ll have a great job soon. If I don’t, maybe I’ll cry. Maybe I’ll lose all hope again. Maybe I’ll spend the day in my bed. But none of that will last because I have no choice but to pick myself up and try again.
I’ve learned so much through this process. I’ve learned that sometimes life really doesn’t go your way. I’ve learned that just because life doesn’t go your way sometimes doesn’t mean you’re not worth it. I’ve learned that yes, you do have to forgive people to move on, but you don’t have to like them after. You don’t have to think nicely about that person. If they come into your head, as they often will, especially the first few weeks after a burn, you can think not-so-nice things and it’s totally ok (I forgive you, evil Masonite woman, but I’ll never forget what an evil human being you are. If you’re human at all 😁).
I learned that even after falling into a deep depression where sometimes I just couldn’t get out of bed to take care of my children and we were over-stressed and taking it out on each other, my husband still thinks I’m a great mother and an incredibly strong woman, and loves me more than ever. He proved tremendously that he will always be by my side. I’ve learned that strong women can be weak sometimes, and that’s totally ok too. I’ve learned that your loved ones will do anything to help and support you at your worst. Like my dad, who would come to my house at 8 am to take my children to school when I just couldn’t face the world. Or my mother deigning to walk into a Wal-Mart pharmacy to pick up the crazy pills my doctor prescribed me for extra help through my depression (and the million other things she did for me that I could never repay). I will learn that my mom will hate me telling you this. Like my Savage Race team: they were the first I told of my struggles publicly. I needed an outlet. I needed to get it off my chest and tell them about my mental illness as well. What I got back from them was more love, motivation and cheering on than I ever expected, and it gave me new life. I’ve learned it’s ok to tell people you have depression, or any mental illness at all. Also, I’ve learned just how far I’ll go to find me some deeply discounted Lululemon when I’m on an incredibly small budget, like spending an entire day at thrift stores just to find one Lulu skirt for $3.99, or even work at Lululemon for the discount only to get the job taken away by evil Masonite chick (part two of Masonite screwing over Kelly)! And I’ve learned that yes, I do think Tamra Judge is my all-time favorite housewife.
Most importantly, I learned that it’s ok to let your children see you sad. And weak. And sometimes desolate. My girls have seen me at my worst. I hated it. I beat myself up for it for a while, but I am glad they saw that I’m a human too, not just a mom. I’m a woman who does not always have it easy, like it may appear sometimes, and they’ll experience hardships too and we will never think any less of them. They didn’t of me. Turns out- they still love and adore me. Brooke petted me and told me “you’re ok, you’re ok” while Olivia just laid with me. Yes, mommy was sad. Mommy was crying. But they just hugged me and told me everything will be ok, and that they loved me so much. And you know what? They’re right. Everything will be ok because their love will get me through anything.
I’ve learned that sometimes you have to crawl through shit to get to the bright, shiny side. That side will be now. Tomorrow. Next week and beyond. And from here on out, because I’ve learned that I’m forever changed for the better.